


Keep moving

by Pandora (Heather)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst, Dark, Gen, POV Female Character, Self-Harm, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-01-24
Updated: 2001-01-24
Packaged: 2017-10-08 01:27:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/71285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heather/pseuds/Pandora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Faith reflects.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keep moving

  
++++++

What a wicked game you play  
To make me feel this way  
What a wicked thing to do  
To let me dream of you  
What a wicked thing to say  
You never felt this way  
What a wicked thing to do  
To make me dream of you

The car she drove wasn't hers. The cigarette she dragged off of belonged to the original owner, so it wasn't really hers, either.

Great fucking job, she admonished herself. Road to redemption and I'm already a car thief sucking down smoke from somone else's cigarette.

Was it technically a theft if she staked the original owner first? He probably hadn't owned it, either. Chances are, some dead man was floating around out there with the registration to the black '68 Mustang in his pocket. The vampire had probably killed him for this car, as she had killed him and taken it. She wondered if the next owner was going kill her for it, too. Probably.

And what would her mother think of that, Faith wondered to herself with a smirk. The fucked-up baby girl she never wanted, cruisin' through Arizona in a bitchin' car that she had killed a demon for.

World was on fire  
No one could save me but you  
Strange what desire will make foolish people do  
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you  
I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

She took a final drag off the cigarette before tossing it out the window and cranking up the radio. The song was fuckin' annoying, but it was croon-y and perfect for listening to as she drove across the desert in the middle of the night. Ma used to love this song, Faith thought. The bitch used to play it all fuckin' night after she drank too much. Play it all night and think about her father. Faith never knew her father. Was he a drinker like Ma? Did he like this fuckin' annoying song?

She lit up another cigarette as she mused it over. The pale clouds floated around her head as she slowly exhaled through her nostrils. Cigarettes were toxic things, Faith knew, but so was the rest of her damn life. I am a Slayer, she thought. All humans are dying from the day they're born. From the day they're born, their days are numbered. And Faith knew that she was no different, except in one way: she had less time. All those normal, happy idiots out there she has to protect have more time, lots of time. She'll be lucky if she gets another four or five years in. She knew she wasn't gonna live long enough to get cancer. So who gave a fuck if she smoked?

Faith blew smoke at her own reflection, and found herself thinking of Angel. He didn't have a reflection, so looking at her own made her remember him. She wondered if he was happy for her that she got out of the damn prison. Wonder if he thinks of me?

No I don't wanna fall in love  
This love is only gonna break your heart  
No I don't wanna fall in love  
This love is only gonna break your heart  
With you  
With you

Angel probably thought about her, she decided, but her mother doesn't. Ma didn't even know she was in prison. The drunken whore probably wouldn't have cared.

Faith stared into the rearview mirror and looked into her own eyes. Dark, tired eyes that had seen it all. The beginnings of lines already showed around them, and as she tilted her head back to look at her teeth, she could see that they, as well as her hands, had the beginnings of nicotine stains. She suddenly looked too much like her mother for her own comfort.

Was that to be her life, she suddenly wondered. Was she going to become her mother? Was she going to be a graying whore who drank and smoked too much and beat the shit out of her daughter for being born and complicating her life? Was she already her mother?

No I don't wanna fall in love  
With you  
With you  
Nobody loves no one

Suddenly, Faith slammed on the brakes and pulled the car over. She HATED this song.

"Stupid bitch! Stupid fucking bitch! I hate you! I hate you!" She screamed as she started smashing the radio with her fist, not even caring when the front smashed and sliced her hand. "Dumb ass bitch! Drinks too fucking much! I hate you! I HATE YOU!" She finally ripped the radio out of its moorings from the front of the dashboard, torn wires hanging out of it as she hurled the radio out the window.

Faith hugged her knees to her chest, closed her eyes and tried to calm herself down. Just don't think about Ma any more, and it'll all be fine. Don't think about her.

The only solution, Faith knew, was to keep moving. Don't stop, don't think. Just drive. Walk. Kick demon ass. Keep moving. Faith uncoiled herself in the driver's seat and turned the key in the ingition, bringing the Mustang back to life. She put it in gear and drove down the freeway once more, chanting her mantra to herself over and over again. Keep moving. Keep moving. She could do that. Keep moving. Easy.

Though, she silently lamented to herself, it'd be easier if she still had tunes.

END


End file.
